Safe
by ice shredder
Summary: Ed's got some free time on his hands. So he writes down the things he'd never admit to anyone else. Will update based on reviews. ENJOY!
1. Chapter 1

**Title: Safe**

**Fandom: FMA**

**Author: ice shredder**

**Spoilers: none**

**Disclaimer: Don't own FMA**

**Summary: Ed's got too much time on his hands and decides to write down the things he'd never admit to anyone. **

**Rating: T **

_Everyone's got their share of secrets. Some more than others and I'm no exception. Heh, I could fill an entire train car maybe more, with the amount of baggage I carry around._

_But anyway I might as well get this down on paper. Dunno how long Al's gonna be out so I need to do this fast._

_This ain't gonna be some sob fest or nothin' but it's been eating at me so I gotta get it outta my system and make sure nobody else sees this. I'd never live it down._

_Here goes._

_I'm the most safe when Al's with me. _

_Don't laugh. Sure I come across as some brash loudmouth tough guy. But that's part and parcel with who I am along with the public image I've gotta maintain. Nobody'll support a wuss let alone someone they CONSTANTLY mistake as a ..as a...grrrrr...do I really have to say it?! Alright FINE. As a __**SHRIMP. SHORTY. BEAN SPROUT. MICRO FLEA. Oh and my FAVORITE one...LITTLE RED RUNT. **__Damn that butch General Armstrong to hell-!_

_Ahem. If you happen to see that sir, please disregard that outburst...nothin' personal yanno..._

_Arrrgh! It doesn't matter how __**BIG**_ _I write those words, THEY STILL PISS ME OFF!_

_..._

_Ok, ok. I'm back. Sorry 'bout that. Had ta step away for a sec. Cool off. Hmm so where was I...ah! Al. How I feel the safest around him. Right._

_It's probably like one of the cheesiest secrets ever, but it's true. I can't function well if he's not somewhere close by. Not that I can't handle myself mind ya. It's just...well it's a good thing no one else can see this..._

_Riding on endless trains, walking from one place to another, getting in and out of scrapes, shielding me with his steel frame from dangers he knows I'd never survive without him jumping in front or pushing me out of harm's way. I'd be dead many times over if it wasn't for him._

_I think...I ain't quite sure but I've got a theory. I think in some weird, indirect way by protecting me like that he tries to shoulder some of my pain. Tries to ease the heavy burden I carry. Heh, I've told him many times this mistake isn't his to share but when my life's in mortal danger, I'm in no position to argue._

_And he knows it too. _

_Oh crap! I gotta hide this. Al's coming and I don't wanna explain why I'm all emotional and whatever. Maybe this writing thing isn't so bad after all. Better than flooding the place with tears that's for sure..._


	2. Chapter 2

_I finally got away from Al. He wanted to follow but I told him I needed some privacy for a few minutes. So it's another quickie. _

_I pulled the last missive out of my pocket and reread it. Damn. Did I really gush like Winry does over a piece of automail on that last one?_

_Yep. I did. _

_Time ta put it back now._

_Lessee. What to write?_

_My thoughts drifted to Nina Tucker. No...I can't do that. It'll open up the old wound and I just...ah what the hell. I'll do it anyway. At least nobody'll see if I start tearing up. God this is so painful...but maybe I can deposit a bit of my greatest failure right here on a single piece of lined paper. Then maybe it won't hurt as bad..._

_That's another secret I don't like broadcasting. Failing._

_At least this one's safely between me and my pen. Ok fine. I'll admit I've done a bang up job keeping that one under wraps...but I'm a man for cripes sake. _

_I see her...in the sweet faces of little girls I meet on the road. In the tiny flowers dotting the fields of Resembool when I return for repairs. In Al's small voice that hasn't aged since I bonded his soul to that metal prison. In Hughes' girl Elicia._

_Oh yeah. _

_I forgot._

_I failed him too. I failed them both and it wasn't supposed to happen. Hughes is dead because of me and he'll never watch his girl grow up. Sure he was annoying with those pictures but he was a good man. A loving husband and father. _

_Unlike mine._

_Nope. Can't go there. I can't touch that one without my blood boiling._

_Al hates it when I keep blaming myself. Like I coulda seen this comin', I shoulda paid more attention... "It's not your fault Brother," he says. Not my fault eh?_

_Yeah. It totally is._

_Damn page is gettin' hard ta see. And THIS is why I ain't into all this touchy-feely crap. That's the reason girls exist. They cover it for us. Failure for guys hits us hard. We take it personally cause when it's all said and done if we'd only did this then maybe the outcome would be different. Folks would be safe and happy. If only I could shield innocents from how cruel the world really is I would...but I can't. It ain't healthy and it's not a realistic view to take._

_It's real easy to play the 'what if' game. I've become an expert._

_Hn. Better make sure I wipe my eyes and tuck this somewhere safe. Can't have nobody feelin' sorry for me, I mean I DO have a reputation to uphold after all._

_Che. Hero of the People my ass. I couldn't save an innocent girl and a good man from death._

_I need to stop and come back to this another time. Al's gonna start panicking if I'm gone any longer. And believe me, he won't stop till he roots me out._

_All I've gotta do is keep him from discovering this stuff. Maybe I should invest in a journal or somethin'...but only if it's kept in a place only I know about._


	3. Chapter 3

_Ohhh boy. I'm gonna hafta say it don't I? _

_Geez._

_Yo Mustang. Remember the time ya asked me about getting a girl and settling down? It's cool if ya don't...but here's a piece of advice from the Fullmetal. _

_Get Hawkeye alone in a room and bang her already. Seriously._

_The ENTIRE office knows ya wanna._

_It's no secret man. I've caught you several times eye-sexing when ya think I'm not looking. Like for real. Just get it over with._

_Oh and while I'm at it...what's with me and women? I'm fifteen for Truth's sake!_

_I wasn't gonna tell YOU what really went down in the City of Water. You know too much already so I'll keep the details to myself and my new blank book. _

_Yes. I broke down and bought one. It's kinda like Al's food diary but since nobody's gonna notice it I can write freely._

_I DON'T UNDERSTAND GIRLS. WHY DON'T THEY COME WITH A MANUAL SO I KNOW WHAT TO EXPECT?!_

_Anyway back to Psiren. She definitely got one over me. Not cause she was pretty but she TRICKED THE FULLMETAL ALCHEMIST. Yes it was humiliating and no, I did not misspell there. She pulled a fast one so I had to salvage my ego. _

_I got her REAL good the first time. Oh boy. Did I get a handful or what._

_I grabbed her boob. I was straddling her WAIST...stop blushing Elric...STOP BLUSHING FOR THE LOVE OF-_

_WHAT? IT WAS A MISTAKE OKAY?! I-I AIN'T SOME PERVERT. And it was my METAL hand so I didn't honk it __**too **__hard. Besides I thought it was her shoulder-_

_I __**swear. **_

_I keep checking to see if anyone's coming. Like seriously man, the last thing I need is to explain why my face is 12 shades of bright red. Great. Now instead of nightmares I'll be bombarded with boobies_

_Lovely._

_Jest makes me wonder what Winry's might feel like..._

_Not that I'd try it or nothin'. I wanna be able to have babies, m'kay?_

_Good thing I'M the only one who can see this...I'd like die if someone accidentally stumbled onto this and...yeah._

_Hmmmm. _

_Boobs._

_OH MY GOD, I WROTE IT AGAIN WHAT THE HELL'S WRONG WITH ME?!_

_I...need to shut up now. _


	4. Chapter 4

_Maaaaan, that last entry was embarrassing. Gave me several sleepless nights in a row and I had to lie through my teeth to Al on why I kept making frequent trips to the bathroom._

_"Brother, are ya sure you're alright? You're shivering." _

_Hah if ya only knew buddy. I've never taken this many cold showers in my life. My automail ports ache like crazy. _

_Hmph. _

_Anyway I've got another secret to unload...well it ain't TOO much a one so I dunno if it really counts but I'll write it here cause it's like, the only safe place I got left besides Al._

_Ok, here goes nothin'._

_Major Armstrong is weird as hell. _

_No wait, I take it back. There's a special brand of insanity that's been passed down the Armstrong family for generations._

_I swear they ALL suffer mental issues._

_Like, seriously. What kinda meathead emits shiny pink SPARKLES? That's right up there with his incessant need to strip and pose during battle. Oh and don't even get me started on his bright red man thong...ARRRGH MY EYES! THEY BURN! MAKE IT STOP! He's such an attention-starved whore. _

_Blegh...I just threw up in my mouth a little._

_Dude._

_Sparkles._

_Man thongs._

_No wonder he's still single. I shudder at the thought of him procreating. That alone should scare people._

_Did I forget to mention the cutesy PINK sparkles?_

_Like...GAAAAAAYYYYY. Gay, gay, gay gay gay...super GAYYY. _

_And his sister's a raging butch. She like, does things to guys...that GUYS don't even do to guys. _

_She scares the piss outta me._

_I mean she ain't called the Ice Queen cause of her friendly disposition. I still get the shakes every time I think about it._

_No wonder her and Teacher got along._


	5. Chapter 5

_Life hates me._

_More to the point...Winry's wrench seems to have a permanent lock on my forehead._

_There's like, really no reason for her to do it, unless the rumors are true:_

_Girls fight the hardest and the dirtiest with the man she likes the most. Or maybe loves..._

_HAHAHAHAHAHAHA WHO AM I TRYIN' TA KID. THIS IS WINRY ROCKBELL FOR GOD'S SAKE. _

_I mean that level of aggression shouldn't exist in a girl her size, much less attempt to KILL me and Al with the wrench of doom EVERY SINGLE TIME WE SWING BY FOR REPAIRS. SERIOUSLY. She almost knocked the soul right outta me one time..._

_And it's not like I can go into INTIMATE details why I keep busting my arm._

_Like when we fought Scar in East City for the first time and he shattered it into teeny tiny pieces. Gee Win...I'm reaaaally sorry but I was fighting this scary Ishvalan guy who killed 10 State Alchemists in a row and I was next on the list. Oh and he kinda used some strange alchemy to DECONSTRUCT your handiwork after I decided to play martyr and was gonna let him kill me._

_Oh...and he was gonna do it right in front of Al. _

_No big deal._

_Anyway could you fix my arm so I can get right back into the thick of things? _

_Don't fool yourselves. I'd be carried out in a body bag if I said ANY of that to her face._

_It's weird. For some reason she doesn't like it when I hint at the possibility of dying._

_Right. Says the girl who cried when Al and I transmuted a doll for her. Says the gearhead who gets STARS in her eyes when she sees ANYTHING automail related and Rush Valley's become her second home. It's best to humor her when she gets like that._

_It ain't like I sneak glances at her from time to time. I'm not staring for cripes sake. Ummmm._

_So what's a safe...uh... __**neutral**__ word I can use? _

_Peeping? _

_Nope. _

_Eww gross. Only creeps, perverts and stalkers get off on that._

_Peeking?_

_Nope._

_Rubberneck?_

_HELL no. She breaks my head in with a wrench. I don't need to add fuel to the fire._

_Scrutinize?_

_That's what a DRILLING manual's for. _

_Goggle?_

_Ya wear them over your face. _

_Gape?_

_DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE FINS AND SCALES?! _

_Ogle?_

_WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. HELL. IS THIS?! I JUST...I CAN'T EVEN...WHY?!_

_Study?_

_Nope. Books I got no problem with but this kind of implies a certain degree of intimacy on an emotional and physical plane that I'm completely ready for. _

_Or not._

_Examine?_

_That's what doctors do. _

_Observe?_

_Ah, come now. That's English. I can understand that._

_Yeah. _

_I'm just observing. _


	6. Chapter 6

_Al's too soft-hearted for his own good. And that's the reason he'd never cut it as a State Alchemist._

_For cryin' out loud he goes around PICKING UP random animals and stuffing them in his chest. I told him more than once it's gonna get us into trouble. But does he listen to me? _

_Nope. _

_"But Brother, I couldn't leave it out in the rain. It was shivering!" And by 'it' I mean it was usually a cat. 95 percent of the time._

_I'm sorry Al. I love ya buddy. LOVE you._

_But your kitty habits drive me nuts._

_Dumbass. Dunno why I bother wasting my breath. He's going to keep the furballs anyway, regulations be damned. Maybe Claus was onto somethin' when she called him a trashcan...he picks up whatever (or whoever)'s lying on the ground. Mostly girls though. What? I sure ain't gonna hitch a ride in his body. I like my dignity and personal space._

_I noticed he gets a lot of attention from the ladies. **Of ALL ages**__. Are you following me?_

_Wait. What am I even SAYING? No one else but me knows the contents of these notes. Scribbles. Whatever they wanna call it. So what, EXACTLY am I going on about? As if these were being __**read...?**_

_Nonsense._

_Anyway where was I?_

_Al and women. He's got a strange taste in 'em, (see Clara/Psiren, Martel, Mei, Winry-hey! that-that one doesn't count alright?) and it never fails to make my day._

_He gives 'em free rides._

_Too bad he can't feel how soft they are or how perfectly they fit into his chest cavity. From what I saw it's not a bad gig._

_Plus he's got great handles for them to hold onto._

_Not that I would know or anything. _

_I think he likes it. Carrying girls around. I'd love to ask him how it feels...but he's a GIGANTIC METAL SUIT OF ARMOR. Well they're touching his blood seal perhaps. That's pretty intimate. _

_Neheheh. I can't wait till we get his body back._

_Then I can ask the most insanely EMBARRASSING questions ever and I'm eager to see his reaction._

_"So Al, tell me. What was it like telling girls to 'get inside' of ya?"_

_"Did they enjoy themselves?"_

_"Who was your favorite one to-"_


	7. Chapter 7

_Ok._

_Coast looks clear._

_Crap. Crap crap crap crap crap CRAAAAAP!_

_Al nearly busted me. He came back from town a tad earlier than expected as I just finished scribbling my latest missive. Yanno. The one dealing with all those questions I was dying to ask when we recover his body? Yes. Those ones._

_"What are you writing about Brother?"_

_Worst._

_Question. _

_Of. _

_All. _

_Time._

_Wanna know my BRILLIANT answer to that?_

_"Uhhh nothing Al."_

_I said this while TRYING to conceal this little book UNDER my jacket. Gee man here's the thing...I really, really REALLY wanna know what it feels like to have girls inside your body without hormones in the way. Or collecting germs. Or getting a hard on. _

_Uh-huh. THAT woulda gone over well._

_Great idea. You shoulda seen his soul eyes narrow and then proceed to scold me._

_"That's not NOTHING Brother. Is it a letter to Winry?"_

_Double crap. _

_I am, honest to God, totally NOT having this conversation. And even if it was-which they're not-there's a little thing called PRIVACY. So I ran out of the room before he could ask something else. _

_"BROTHER! GET BACK HERE!"_

_Har har._

_I am SCREWED. Seven ways till Sunday._

_Now what am I gonna do? There's several real EMBARRASSING entries and I'd die if they got into the open._

_Ok, ok. Deep breaths Ed. If Al thinks these are letters to Winry then-_

_CRAP._

_I've gotta be extra cautious now. _

_Otherwise he'll laugh and hang this stuff over my head till I'm EIGHTY._

_Ha. Forget that. How about FOREVER and a DAY?_

_I'll just pick my spots more carefully._


	8. Chapter 8

_Well I'm back. _

_It's not like I was neglecting my writing on purpose. Colonel Mustang dumped a mission on me that I thought was gonna be a simple milk run. _

_Ugh. Milk._

_No such luck. Can't tell ya exactly when down, but I can say for sure it involved bribes, shifty con men and a bunch of unsuspecting, ok IGNORANT backwater idiots who've got dirt for brains and at BEST speak sheep or cow._

_Yanno. Typical country bumpkins._

_Anyway I can get back to sharing stuff. And this time I made sure I picked a secluded spot-like this random roof I'm sitting on-so I can 1. hear everything, and 2. make a quick escape if someone surprises me._

_Pity I didn't think of this before._

_Ya want to know something? Chronic nightmares suck. They are HORRIBLE. _

_Most of the time Al can calm me down. The worst ones usually consist of the...creature that was born after I was sent back from the Gate. Instead of Mom whole and alive we created a monster. I'll never forget the sight of Al's empty clothes and shoes laid out all nice and neat on the basement floor. Like all their owner had to do was pick them up and slip them on. Except he wasn't there, he was on the other side and I couldn't let him pay with his life for my arrogance. Me-a stubborn, foolish human-who thought he could spit in Death's face, shake his fist at God, Truth, the Universe, whatever ya wanna call it and get away with it._

_I never imagined how much my stubbornness would cost us that night. You don't probe the depths of forbidden knowledge and not get burned. The price we paid was far too high. It was impossible from the very start and I should've known better._

_Several things I learned from that horrific night:_

_If every alchemist before us had failed in human transmutation then what made me think Al and I (a pair of desperate orphans) would succeed?_

_There is no formula capable of reproducing a human soul. This was the 'wall' scientists kept smacking into. We learned the hard way the forbidden label wasn't there for show or because they were being killjoys. They opened the Door, saw the Truth and suffered the consequences. They realized the truly curious and daring would attempt to reach for the sun and they tried to protect future generations from repeating their mistakes._

_Add the Elric brothers to the list. And Teacher. And Hohenheim. _

_Now whenever we hear someone who's thinking about or wants to perform human transmutation, we're the first ones trying our hardest to talk them out of it. It isn't worth the pain. _

_Or the nightmares. _

_Or the loss of limbs. _

_Or the number of dead friends._

_I wouldn't mind it as much until some random thing served as a trigger for the pain. And what I was doing before the pain started. And why I was in pain. And how I watched my baby brother being devoured by alchemy right in front of me. And the terror I felt when I barely managed to drag his soul back from the Gate so I wouldn't be a __**total**__ failure as a big brother. And the guilt of essentially turning him into a living ghost._

_Never mind the desperation that drove me to commit taboo to begin with. Even now I keep replaying the events that led to our mistake. What possessed me to even THINK I could play God? Was it anger at Hohenheim for not being there when we needed him the most? I'd like to pin the blame on him but what purpose would it serve? What's done is done. We can't change what happened that night but I can keep moving forward. I promised Al his body back. And he wants the same for me. Mom taught us when we give our word it's our job to follow through, no matter how tough it is. I gave my word to Al. He gave me his. Now we see this through to the end._

_Guess Colonel Mustang was right. Or at least I'm beginning to understand him a little better when he told me it wasn't healthy to run around trying to revive every dead person I came across. I mean _now,_ cause I didn't wanna listen to what ANY adult had to say in the early days. Everything was too fresh: the trauma, the heartbreak, the cruelty of life, and I took things more personally back then. I still do, but I can compartmentalize better. _

_Blah! _

_I HATE admitting that even to this journal. But I feel...a tiny bit better._

_Weird._


	9. Chapter 9

_Ling Yao is a freeloading douche._

_He shows up in Rush Valley with his two attack dogs and MOOCHED the crap out of my money with all those RIDICULOUS room service bills. Oh and don't EVEN get me started with him popping up at random places asking about immortality._

_IMMORTALITY MY ASS! THAT'S NOT ON THE TOP OF MY TO-DO LIST. SO PISS OFF SQUINTY EYES! OH AND TAKE THAT STUPID SHADOW LAN FAN BACK TO XING WHILE YOU'RE AT IT. YOU'RE NOTHING BUT A SNEAKY, SHIFTY ILLEGAL ALIEN WHO JUST HAPPENS TO BE IN TOWN SEARCHING FOR THE SAME THING EVERYONE ELSE IS._

_BLEH._

_I jest keep attracting the WINNERS don't I?_

_Lucky me._

_You know what else I hate?_

_Getting swallowed alive by that fatass Gluttony and actually being trapped in his ENDLESS stomach._

_Alone._

_With Ling._

_Words can't describe what that felt like. It was the nastiest place to be and ugh...sorry I can't talk about it or I'll be wearing my lunch._

_But seriously. Being stuck with Ling and forced to open the Gate again...dammit I really, really HATE that Truth guy. Can I say he's a total DOUCHEBAG? _

_Anyway I guess Ling isn't half bad unless he's mooching off someone._

_Remind me to never invite him over to my house. __**If**__ I even get the chance to make one._

_He'll clean me out._

_Oh and restauraunts are a no-go too._

_What? He don't deserve it, not after he shuffled EVERY SINGLE EXPENSE THAT I NEVER OFFERED TO PAY FOR THAT __**HE RACKED UP TO BEGIN WITH!**_

_DICK move jackass. _

_Jest thinkin' about that damn room service bill really pisses me off. Booting them through doors and out windows feels so damn good. I should do this more often...it's an effective rage release._

_Hmmm. I might hafta make a trip out to Xing sometime and see if I can get free food. Hey if it worked for Squinty it can work for me. _

_Oh and just to make it fair, I'll pretend to be broke and he can cover my tab. He starts pissing I'll shimmy in place, put on the fakest accent ever and say I don't understand the language. Then I'm just gonna run._

_Heeeeeeeee._

_Oh this is gonna be fun puttin' the screws to this guy for sure._

_Huh. Now that I think about it I found the smallest of problems with that fabulous plan._

_Attack dogs 1 and 2. _

_AW C'MON CAN'T I CATCH A BREAK WITH THESE IDIOTS?! They always spoil stuff. _

_"You will not make fun of Master Ling." _

_Hey girlie, listen up. That line might work in Xing but you in Amestris. We ain't gonna worship the ground he walks on._

_What's that? You no understand the words that is comin' out of my mouth? Then allow me to translate. _

_NOBODY CARES THAT YOUR 'MASTER' IS A BLOODY PRINCE. _

_There. I said it. _

_So bite me._


	10. Chapter 10

_I don't like rain. Too many bad memories attached._

_I know, I know it's a vital part of life. The human body is 70% water for cripes sake. Farmers depend on it for their crops and herds. People need it to survive and I've been caught in more downpours than most. It happens more than it should._

_It rained when we tried to revive Mom. So much blood spilled that night I was almost choking on it...the smell was horrific. Can't never forget my limbs gettin' ripped off, Al losing his body...me crawling to the armor in the corner...using my arm as material to attach his spirit...the fear, the terror...I gotta stop thinking about it, wasn't worth the agony and we didn't even TRANSMUTE the right person to begin with-_

_It rained when I went to dig up the thing we made so I could confirm it wasn't her. I'm glad Pinako was there with me. It was a macabre task. I had the dry heaves so bad it's a miracle I was able to get through it. That was like, the one time I couldn't shovel fast enough. _

_It poured when Tucker transmuted Nina. God. I don't think my chest will ever stop clenching or me tearing up every time I think of her._

_There's a reason Al and I never talk about it. _

_Anyway, she called me her Little Big Brother. Come ta think of it...I never got angry when she called me that. It'll never happen again though. Too much pain._

_It rained when we fought Scar and I almost gave it up. Seriously what the hell was I thinking? On the nights I dare to replay the incident in my head-even though I don't wanna-all I see was how stupid and selfish I was being. My words, my inaction made no sense. _

_Al was right. I'm no good to anyone dead. There ain't no coming back once you cross the line. No equivalent exchange to fix things. I'd be done._

_I dunno if I should be saying this. Al's gonna kick my ass if he finds out but I hafta get it off my chest. _

_Sometimes...when I lock myself in the bathroom of whatever place we stay in the voices come back. Soft whispers tryin' ta talk me out of living. I block them out as best I can but it's hard. And I'm so tired. 15 going on 50 I mean...this is retarded. I'm not even 20 years old and here I am, standing in front of mirrors bleary-eyed and haggard arguing with myself. Wondering if I could fill out a pink slip and be excused from life when I've destroyed so many others chasing a mythical stone._

_Heh, wouldn't Al just _love _that. Findin' his big brother dead._

_Wow. This got...depressing. Fast._

_I think...if I did commit suicide he'd be right behind me. I refuse to put him through that hell. I've caused enough damage and besides, it's the coward's way out._

_You gotta be in a really dark state of mind to consider it anyway. As horrible as my nightmares can get-and trust me I've had doozies-I can live with it as long as I've got Al and this journal with me. At least I can vent in these pages without hurting anyone or myself._

_Besides...I like to hide in here sometimes. Makes me feel like I'm alone._

_Meh. All this killing talk's depressing the hell outta me so...I need to find somethin else to write about._

_It rained when Winry and Paninya delivered that woman's baby in Rush Valley. I didn't mind the downpour at all that night. The baby was healthy. Alive. And it's been too long since I had something to get excited over. Win said I sounded like a little kid, but I didn't care. Life is precious, which is why a new birth is so amazing._

_Mothers are amazing. Human beings in general are amazing!_

_Sometimes rain doesn't cling to bad memories. It can preside over good things as well._

_You know it's a good thing I brought Al's soul back. He keeps me anchored and sane. And besides, I can feel his love for me radiate through that armor. Strong and fierce and protective. He won't never let me go. _

_It scares me how much I need him around. I don't feel right if he isn't._

_That probably sounded REALLY stupid and silly._

_I don't care anymore. I just don't. _

_See ya._


	11. Chapter 11

_Ok. First of all ya might be wondering. Where'd yours truly run off to when I've got ALL the time in the world to write my deepest thoughts. And why I'm about to fly off the handle...in four seconds._

_BLAME THAT SMUG AS HELL PROCRASTINATOR ROY MUSTANG._

_I swear he exists to piss me off. And I believe he does it on purpose._

_And enjoys every single second of it._

_Why else would he bombard me with SHORT jokes that get worse by the day?!_

_Here's a taste of what I have to put up with._

_"Hey Fullmetal. I can't see you very well. Either you've gotten shorter or my paperwork's GROWN." _

_"I can't wait for the day you submit an actual REPORT instead of all these illegible scratches Fullmetal. A chicken writes better than you. What are you five?"_

_"So another dead end on the Philosopher's Stone? I'm not a walking bank chief. We do have a little something called a budget."_

_Colonel. With all due respect._

_Shut the __**hell **__up._

_At least I'm not totally USELESS when it comes to a little water._

_And I dunno how Hawkeye doesn't put a cap in your annoying ass. _

_Oh wait. I do know. She's head over heels in loooove with yoooou._

_Roy and Riza sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G._

_NO. I DO NOT NEED THAT MENTAL SCARRING._

_Bad enough he twits me on the subject on girls and when he does my thoughts almost always...uh..shift to a certain blonde gearhead. Who likes to throw wrenches at my head. And who has curves in all the right places-_

_Wait. Hold on She's my BEST FRIEND for God's sake! Nothing more._

_I swear this is turning into a habit. A very dangerous one. If she only knew the kind of thoughts I've been harboring lately she'd put me in a coma for a month._

_Or maybe not. Al tells me when we're alone, that she doesn't always glare at me. That when I'm asleep she watches over me with 'soft, loving eyes'. Meh. I dunno, it's hard to gauge her anymore. After all...she IS a girl. Like I said there's no magical formula to a female's soul. And, if I'm being perfectly honest, a manual would come in handy when dealing with said whimsical gender._

_Hmmm. Now that I've given this some careful thought and my ears open, I've made a few discoveries that might prove helpful. Hey it's better than nothing. I don't like going into something this serious unarmed._

_So let me tell ya what I've learned. _

_Women can be found in various grades ranging from virgin material to common ore. This is interesting. As an alchemist you need to be well-versed in metallurgy which I happen to be an expert at so this isn't too bad a start. They also seem to boil and freeze for no apparent reason. I'm no stranger to chemical reactions its expected when altering a physical substence to another state. But I'm at a loss when an explosion occurs..._

_They're also the most powerful money reducing agent known to man. Trust me. Winry's tool collection ain't cheap. _

_Among other useful things I've learned about women in general is they're excellent cleaners. And most of them are magpies. Believe me, I've saved my skull many a bashing by that gearhead's almighty wrench several times with multiple pairs of silver earrings. _

_See? I pay attention._

_Al says I only do it to avoid the pain._

_Whatever. As long as she's happy then I don't care what happens. Besides she hits hard. _

_And Mustang?_

_Get laid._

_God knows ya need to blow off some steam. I'm sure Hawkeye would be __**more**__ than willing to be the fuel to your fire, am I right?_

_Feel _free_ to prove me wrong Roy-boy._


	12. Chapter 12

_So Al pulled me aside. He wanted to speak to me privately and I tensed up, thinking it was gonna be over this journal. It was, kind of, but he surprised me._

_"Brother it's ok if you've got a safe place to let go. Just know I'll always be here. You can come to me anytime."_

_Well gee. THAT'S a relief I guess. I don't have to freak out anymore. At least, not from him. I guess small miracles do exist in this world._

_Not like I'd ever say that to his face, mind you. _

_At least he isn't giving me any more crap about these being 'love' letters to Winry. Gimme a break. Seriously?! What does __**he **__know what that feels like anyway?_

_But I've noticed he's got a thing for that micro brat May Chang. Sorry. According to what those stupid mushy books say, he 'carries a torch' for her or summat like that. _

_What-the-hell-ever._

_Believe me when I tell you, she's the size of an ANT next to guys like Scar and Mustang but holy hell, her kicks hold the power of a grown-ass man. Not joking. She rearranged my face with both feet and knocked Al off his. _

_I STILL owe her one. She blindsided us so it doesn't really count. But her alkhestry is something to see. I kinda wish we had the time to learn. Oh well. _

_Didn't think I'd meet another person who was SHORTER than me around my age. Other than Granny Pinako there's not a lot of opportunities to rub height in someone else's face._

_Oi mini hag. Ya hear that? I FINALLY met a dust mote so tiny the sun wouldn't catch it._

_Too bad I don't have a camera on me or I'd pull a Hughes. Pictures DO speak a thousand words after all._

_So beat THAT._


	13. Chapter 13

_Homonculus are bad._

_Bad for my health, bad for my sleep, a total nightmare to fight and damn near hard to kill. Did I mention I was swallowed alive into Gluttony's stomach (aka, the false Gate of Truth) trapped in the precipice between existence and oblivion. With Ling Yao. I believe I spent time on another entry detailing my true feelings on said freeloader and that hellish experience, and I refuse to rehash it any further. _

_They're levels of bad...no pure evil I never want to see, smell or deal with ever again._

_I hate them all but Envy takes the top spot for several reasons._

_He was directly responsible for shooting an innocent Ishvalan child. Disguised as a soldier no less, I mean seriously?!_

_DICK MOVE, BASTARD._

_I still struggle to wrap my mind around the fact a small object like a bullet can be the cause of needless bloodshed. Ishval was decimated. Winry's parents were murdered by Scar who in turn brutally destroyed 10 State Alchemists and their aides, who just about killed me in front of Al._

_The worst part? He thought it was the most fun he'd ever had._

_Really?_

_REALLY YOU DICK?! _

_Fun. _

_YOU MEAN DESTROYING HUMANS GIVES YOU SOME SICK TWISTED THRILL?_

_We ain't some toys you can play with you MONSTER._

_And he laughed. Right in my face._

_He laughs?! Winry's folks along with Hughes are flat-out DEAD because of him and he thinks that's FUNNY? An entire race near exterminated...just so he and the rest of those crazy demons can get off on our misery._

_"Humans are weak, foolish pathetic creatures," he says._

_"You humans never fail to amuse me...you're a bad joke that keeps getting dumber," he says._

_If I don't kill him Mustang will. Believe me he won't hold back. And truthfully that scares me to death._

_Win asked me once, what did her parents ever do that warranted a senseless death. It's been nagging at me ever since. _

_What could I say? Bad things happen to good people no matter who they are? They were doctors, they treated patients but they were in a combat zone. Forgive me for being blunt but anything goes in war. I should know. I've fought every step of the way since we burned down our family home. Even though I've managed not to kill anyone so far, there's no guarantees I'll be able to keep that up. I dread the day I really will have to take lives. Stain my hands with blood I'll never be able to wash out. At any moment, war could be declared and as a dog of the military, I'll be forced to act as a human weapon._

_Then again a Homonculus doesn't care about any of this stuff. That's what makes them so dangerous and scary. You can't reason with a demon. They've got no regard for human life and will do whatever it takes to make us suffer._

_But I've got Al with me. I know he'll try his best to see no harm comes to me or any of our friends. _

_We can beat this evil back. We have to._

_Or we'll lose everything._

_I hope our combined strength is enough. _

_It HAS to be._

_I can't bear to think about the outcome if we lose._


	14. Chapter 14

_I can't believe this._

_Ling became a Homonculus. More to the point...he became GREED._

_Tha HELL was he thinkin'?!_

_So, not only is he a shifty-eyed illegal, he now shares a body with one of the filthiest sins of all time. I'd call him monster, but I'd suffer a swift kick in the balls. _

_I've been thinking it over and I came up with a name. He'll always be Ling to me and I won't ever hesitate to reach out to him. I know he's in there somewhere. But Greed's in control most of the time. _

_Greedling._

_I know I know. Pretty lame huh? But I don't think they'll care. At least Greed won't. But I'm having trouble accepting the fact he opened himself to that demon. It was for the Philosopher's Stone but I dunno how he can live with himself, now that he's got countless souls roiling around in his body. I mean they were HUMAN BEINGS for God's sake!_

_Ya know, it might be a little late telling him that. Just a little._

_What's next? Me and Hoenheim becoming best friends? Hmmm. Lemme think about that-_

_NOPE._

_I'll tolerate him for Al's sake but don't expect me to throw my arms around him. He's got a LOT of explaining to do, especially leaving us behind and Mom wasting away because of him. Yeah that doctor guy told us she was sick for a long time, but didn't think of telling me and Al. Guess she didn't want to worry us._

_But still. The thought of me sharing the same space with THAT MAN is akin to drinking sour milk. And those who know me well know exactly how I feel about that cow vomit._

_Anyway I hope I can break through. Ling's a stubborn guy, but he's got a good heart. He wants to provide and protect his people when he becomes Emperor of Xing._

_He reminds me of Mustang. Always doin' something to climb the ranks. Oh and they're both penny-pinchers. _

_Damn shylocks can suck it._


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: I'm gonna keep writing more of these journal 'scribbles' (due to popular demand you guys rock on the fb). Quick fyi: Ed will soon begin sharing his thoughts on his post-Brotherhood adventures. He'll be pulling straight from my main FMA fic 'Ricochet' so if you haven't read that yet I recommed doing so because some of his entries won't make any sense unless you know the source he's getting it from. And as always, let your voices be heard on both stories! :)**

**Plus it's a cheap excuse to keep this baby going. ;P If y'all have any ideas on what Ed should write on PM me or let me know in the comments.**

**Enjoy guys!**

_Oh, May. May May May my dear...__**sweet...charming...NO! **__SHUT UP ED. SHE IS SO __**NOT ANY OF THE ABOVE.** Try BOSSY, ANNOYING, LOUD AND BRATTY. AND ANYWAY SHE'S** AL'S TYPE. THE STUPID GIRLY PRINCESS KIND.**_

_MAAAAAAAAY._

_STOP CALLING ME A BEANSPROUT MIDGET! YOU'RE TINIER THAN AN AIR MOLECULE SO CAN IT WITH THE SHORT STUFF FOR GOD'S SAKE!_

_AND BY THE WAY WE WERE SEARCHING FOR THE PHILOSOPHER'S STONE WAAAAY BEFORE YOU XINGESE FREAKS SHOWED UP TO IMPRESS SOME DYING EMPEROR THAT YOUR CLAN DESERVES THE THRONE._

_Do ya think she like, goes to sleep and constantly dreams of her nonexistent knight in 'shining armor' and then squeals over him?_

_Answer: probably._

_..._

_Politics suck ass. Now that I think about it, that's what politicians are reeeeeeally good at. _

_*coughMustangcough* _

_*coughLingcough*_

_Ahem. Sorry. _

_Hairballs in my throat._

_Nasty._

_I'll be so glad when this whole thing's over. Then we can focus on rebuilding our lives. They won't be completely normal, Al and I've seen and been through too much to ever go back pre-human transmutation days. _

_I've been catching myself thinking of Winry a lot more often. The way she clung to me back in Central when I stopped her from shooting Scar in cold blood...do you think she...um..._

_Ah hell. I'm just gonna ask it. Do ya think she actually loves me?_

_I'm not sure. But I don't think sobbing into my shirt, holding into it for dear life and unwilling to let go of my hand counts as 'friendly' contact._

_Or I could just be going insane._

_Yeah right._

_I only WISH I could chalk that up to simply wanting to comfort a childhood friend._

_Oh if anyone teases me about it, I ain't gonna give 'em jack. They can kiss my ass. My 'love' life ain't nobody's business but MINE._

_We clear?_

_Okay good. Carry on._


	16. Chapter 16

_So me and Al decided to return to Resembool for a bit. Rest and regroup before the big showdown in Central. Great plan except when I went to visit the cementary alone, I got an unwelcome surprise._

_Standing in front of Mom's headstone was that good-for-nothing bastard Hohenheim. Who ABANDONED us. No I don't care what kind of excuses he's full of. He had NO RIGHT to leave us and Mom high and dry when we needed him the most. _

_HE was the reason she stared out the kitchen window when we were young, a look of longing clouding her gentle green eyes. She pined her life away for a deadbeat. What. A. Waste._

_HE was the reason her life drained away. I shielded Al from the true extent of her despair as best I could but I knew he-along with the terrible sickness-were the cause of her declining health. _

_HE was the reason we committed taboo trying to bring her back to life. We wrote him letters explaining as best we could, what was going on. Mom needed him and there was only so much I could do. I couldn't stave Al's questions off forever and his need for the bastard's prescence rivaled Mom's. Why didn't he answer back? I dunno...I keep getting a feeling he was doing more than wandering the road...maybe he met someone along the way? Why else would he have multiple addresses? But I wasn't thinking about that back then, being young and desperate and unable to see past Mom's illness._

_I think that's when I started distancing myself from getting overly attached to people and things. Don't get me wrong. Love is a beautiful thing, but it causes unimaginable pain when you lose someone. Loving another person is risky and there's no guarantees they'll stick around._

_Guess I didn't start soon enough. We went through with it and we didn't even transmute the right person. When I overheard Granny and Hohenheim talking about that it felt like I'd been kicked in the balls. My whole body trembled and I thought I was gonna puke._

_Human transmutation is impossible. It can't be done and the guilt threatened to engulf me as it has many times since that awful night._

_So we lost our bodies for a lie._

_WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL US? WHY? Al didn't deserve to bear the brunt of my arrogance, pay the steeper price for my sin. It should've been ME trapped in that armor. Not him! Why? I was the one who closed my ears to his repeated warnings. I shoulda listened to reason shoulda stopped but I didn't. I was desperate and foolish and I just didn't care anymore. I wanted to see Mom's smile again feel her comforting warmth. We both did. That's the truth. I disregarded the laws of nature itself, disobeyed Teacher's lessons and both of us plunged face first into Hell._

_Just like Hohenheim did 400 years ago. He was captured by the promise of knowledge. Seduced into opening the Gate, not knowing the full extent of what he was doing until the damage was done. Xerxes destroyed. Its people swallowed alive. And now he's been on the road trying to fix his terrible mistake._

_Just like Al and I are doing trying to get our bodies back._

_I still can't forgive him for leaving us. I know it's childish, holding onto my anger but I just don't care. _

_Him being here opens all those old wounds again, and it sucks._

_But the solar eclipse is almost here and in the revelation of Amestris becoming a repeat of Xerxes I guess I'll TRY to shelve the bitterness and anger his absence incurred. It won't be completely gone but we're running out of time._

**Hey guys! Sry about the wait, came down with a bit of writer's block but I'm getting over it.**

**If y'all have any ideas on what Ed could write about I'd love to hear about it via PM or in the comments.**

**Much love to everyone who's reviewed, faved and followed! *hands out cyber cookies and milk* :)**


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